I don't have the answers yet, but I have learned enough to be dangerous, and ask better questions..

"I wish our family would stop trying to pretend we're normal." Josh, aged 10.

This was the cover of the card I sent my father. I bought it from a children's advocacy group because I enjoyed the frank authenticity in the child's statement. He must be watching his parents put on quite the act. And yet, when I thought about this a while longer, I wondered if everyone puts on that act.

And I think to some degree, we all do.

I know this couple with the perfect marriage, 2 kids, a dog, a nice house in the burbs, 2 SUV's in the driveway, stay-at-home wife (the new symbol of luxury in the American economy). I always thought they had such a good relationship because they looked alike. Isn't that what happens to a couple truly in love over time? They start to resemble one another? Or is it that they love the same part of themself they can see in the other? I've not yet figured that out...

At any rate, we did a kid's party for our second graders for Valentine's Day. What fun was that! I planned it with the wife of this wonder-couple. After we'd played with the kids and dispensed Valentines, I asked her what they were going to do for the big romance day? She looked at me blankly, and said, "Nothing. We never do anything for Valentine's Day." Then she paused, and thought about that for a second. "Is that bad?" she wondered to me aloud?

Well, I thought quickly, it might not be 'bad' but it does indicate a lot about your marriage and how you're not wooing each other anymore. Lots of people in this world are in love with romance and love, and when that goes, there might not be much else in the marriage to hold them together.

I didn't think this sort of analysis might be helpful at this moment. In fact, I thought it might drop a bombshell on a woman who might not be happy, but at least is still ignorant for the moment that she isn't actually happy. My statement might rip open that fragile ignorance.

So I shrugged and said that everyone is different and does what they feel they want to for Valentine's.

Right then we were both guilty of pretending to be normal. She and her husband project American suburbaland-dreams. For the brief moment when it became apparent that they might not actually be all that fulfilled and happy, she was close to authenticity. I also was close, but I backed away, sensing she might not be ready for an awakening that her life might not be so happy.

I find that people are quite like this - close to authenticity in brief moments, but on the whole, we tend to project images of what we think 'normal' is, and live in that world as though it were real. The more I probe the existence of 'normal' people, the more I discover they are trying very hard to project an image they think will be acceptable, while hiding their real selves somewhere else.

We were always a bit odd growing up, as an English family in the Deep South. We ate funny things, like bacon, eggs, and sausage for dinner Saturday nights. With chips, of course. We didn't go on vacation to Florida. We went to Europe. We drove Mercedes for fuel economy - they were diesels, and not too speedy back in the 70's. My parents swam nude every evening in our pool, horrifying the Catholic neighbors who peered over the fences. We were a little different.

And now at 38, I think different is how I like to be. That was a cool gift my parents gave to us.

I hope my father didn’t think the “Our family should quit trying to pretend it’s normal’ card was too out of bounds. I felt it was very permission-giving to be what and who we are. Children are so naked, and really are who they are without worrying too much about it. Adults, however, have been trained in the fine art of pretending to be anything but. Isn’t that an ironic reversal.... that children, who are so adept at play and imagining, are actually more authentic and grounded in reality than adults, who’ve constructed elaborate fantasy worlds in which they can exist as ‘normal’ people?

The thing is, everyone is walking around showing their 'normal' images, but not necessarily who they really are, when it’s the latter that has far more power and authenticity, in my mind. So, I liked that card because I think, actually, that to be different, and therefore real, is rather attractive.