I don't have the answers yet, but I have learned enough to be dangerous, and ask better questions..

My brain was full. I have studied and studied and studied and the words are all running together - they don't mean anything any more. I have reached saturation.

But still I felt empty. Something's wrong. Something's missing. I've done all this study, and still no enlightenment! And my life is a mess. What to do???

I felt prompted inwardly to create a practice.

But I hate practice. I hate routines. I hate meaningless rituals. I protested. Loudly.

So create something that works for you, that you want to do, my inner voice answered.

Hmmm....

Well, I like yoga. OK, so do 20 minutes of yoga in the morning. OK. I like some chanting, but my Buddhist practice has you recite part of the Lotus sutra in Japanese.

I don't happen to read Japanese. That renders this a meaningless ritual because I chant but know not what it is that I chant. We already know I don't do meaningless rituals because they're....meaningless.

So get an English copy of the Lotus Sutra. Read it aloud in English. Then you will know what it means. Again with that inner voice. It seems to have a lot to say, once I shut up and let it get a word in there.

OK.

My daughter and I prettied up our altar. But something is still missing. What is it?

Meditation.

Oh come on, this is going to be 2 hours of practice a day at the rate we're going!!! I have to do yoga, I have to chant, I have to read the Lotus Sutra in English....I mean, isn't this enough?

Who was the one saturated with study, but empty of meaning, asked the inner voice.

Uh, that would be me.

So practice.

And so I did. At first it was strange reading the Lotus sutra aloud. It's obtuse in places. I'd have to stop and ponder what I read aloud. Then my daughter, after several evenings of hearing part of the Lotus sutra in English, wanted to come in and listen. Then she wanted to read it. And last night, we brought in an English translation of the Yoga sutra, which was incredibly powerful for both of us. The section we read last night advocated Japa - the return, reaffirming, reknowledging of God consciousness and protection. We both felt stronger after chanting, prayers, and yoga.

But meditation is much harder. Much harder. The first part is to just calm down. Watch the self. So I watch my mind. I see its turbulence. I even comment to myself, 'Mind is very turbulent, chaotic'.

When I did that, when I was able to observe on it and comment. it started to calm down. Then I would watch myself, and see myself get stressed over bills, lack of a meaningful love relationship, etc. And my inner voice would say, 'Fear is arising.'

So it was. And I watched that. I felt the fear, felt the anxiety. But I didn't drown in it. This was new, different. Suddenly, even while swirling in my drama, I was also taking the role of observer. Watching myself. Soon I could see where I was losing myself, what was provoking it, and where I was negative and weak.

I know this is but the early stages of meditation, but the benefits do seem to be profound. Suddenly things I ask for...start turning up.

I asked for a supportive women's group for this next stage of my life, for my dissertation and documentary film work. I was invited to one by a friend of a friend I'd not met before.

I asked for a wider circle of friends with better qualities for my daughter. Last Wednesday, we went to a pizza party for the PTA reps. The PTA meeting was to start shortly afterwards. A parent of a little girl I very much liked invited my daughter back to their place so I could attend the meeting in peace. My daughter thoroughly enjoyed herself, and a new friendship was born.

I asked for help with my documentary film. I felt fear arising around it. So I probed it. Turns out that I don't feel I know what I am doing in documentary filmmaking. How does one plan for it? How does one script it? Where do you get archival footage and licensing? Features and shorts I know....docs I don't. My friend calls that very day and asks if I am going to the documentary class. WHAT DOCUMENTARY CLASS? She tells me City College here has one going....and it starts that night....taught by Lars Nelson - the sound guy on This is Spinal Tap, and it is FREE. He answered all of my questions, and over the next 4 weeks taught me a great deal about how to put a documentary film together.

I felt I still didn't know enough about writing the script, though, so I put that out there. At a Women in Film breakfast just this Saturday, a writing coach spoke, and gave us all permission essentially to write what burns within us, not what will necessarily contain the right number of marketing points. Wow. This was exactly what I had been struggling with.

So all my needs are being provided for, essentially, once I get clear about what they are. What else do I need? I require funding for my dissertation, and for my doc. So I am opening for that. I require a better home in which to write and raise my daughter. We need some space! So I am opening for that. I love someone, but it's kind of a forbidden love. I don't know the way to resolve that. I am leaving that one, like my other requests, to the Universe. The trick is not to get stuck in the how - you'll never figure that out anyway. Just put out your intentions, hold them, and let the response come.

I always intellectually KNEW these things. But practice is what calms you enough to probe yourself, and get clear about what you really want. It's practice that gets you in tune with the Universe, and opens you to that central ground of being.

I used to think I was so smart because I know these things.

But they are meaningless if they roll around the ego-brain. It's practice that puts them into action, and gets things moving and rolling. It's practice that serves as the container for experience and for reflection. Without it, when do you get to open, to receive, to embrace, and to reflect?

Turns out I am not so smart after all. Putting my feet on the road of practice is required. It's not getting on the path....it's becoming the path. That's what's required.